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Rules for inexperienced cats
Determine quickly which
guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. They won’t dare push you off
and will even call you “nice kitty”. If you can arrange to have food on your
breath, so much the better. 
For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colours that contrast with your own.
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
For guests who say “I love kitties” be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.
Do not allow doors to be closed in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin -- unless you can lie across the book itself.
For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything moveable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.
Get enough sleep during the daytime so you are fresh for playing at night between 2am and 4am.
